


Even the Darkness Has Arms

by juneafterdark



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: F/F, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Slow Burn, Soft Eve Polastri, Soft Villanelle | Oksana Astankova, villanelle goes to therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:54:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25693123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juneafterdark/pseuds/juneafterdark
Summary: Four years after the bridge Eve and Villanelle have built a life together, but not without struggle. A slow burn that is honestly gonna hurt before it gets better.
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Comments: 10
Kudos: 101





	1. 3AM

**Author's Note:**

> This is honestly about to be a giant whirlwind so buckle up (if you so choose of course:))
> 
> I had an idea that has morphed into a multichapter AU. I have included things that have happened so far in the series such the bridge scene and Villanelle's offer to work for Carolyn. But have taken other liberties like making Hugo an MI6 therapist (before you come for my neck Hugo's wit mixed with Villanelle's was not an avenue I could not gleefully tumble down) 
> 
> I'm thinking around 18 chapters, give or take -- but I'll fix the total once I have a better idea. I'm going to try to stick to a schedule but if anyone has a preferred day let me know! This is my first multichapter planned out ff so pls be patient. Kudos, comments, criticism, and encouragement always welcomed!

Villanelle—

3AM- Villanelle woke with a start. You know the type, where you feel like you’re falling but don’t quite make it to the bottom. In her dream she was back where she was four years ago, killing the twelve, even after she knew she didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. In her dream she was launched out of the top story window of a high-rise, giving her time to think of the consequences on the way down. Flying through the air, Eve was the only thing on her mind.

Now fully awake, she looked to her left to see Eve still sleeping. It was times like these she was thankful Eve is a heavy sleeper. Villanelle had been having nightmares for months. Always waking with a sudden start in the middle of the night. Some nights worse than others. She had a routine at this point – get up, go downstairs, make a cup of tea, pace the house until it was almost time for Eve to wake up, and slip back in bed before her lover knew she was gone. 

She knew she should tell Eve about the dreams, she just didn’t want to worry her. The dreams almost exclusively featured Eve dying at the hands of the twelve with Villanelle never making it in time to save her life.

Once she could level out her breathing, the guilt and worry of not being able to save Eve hit her like a freight train. Sure the twelve were gone, but she still felt the need to look over her shoulder just to make sure she was safe and wasn’t being followed. Once the guilt hit the tears would come, making it almost impossible to hide the fact that she’d been crying from Eve. Almost. 

Sipping her tea, deep in thought, she stared out into the garden from their bedroom window. She’s not sure how long she stands there but a soft voice brings her back to reality.

“Come back to bed, baby”

Villanelle turns to see Eve looking at her through half-awake eyes, hand stretched across the bed towards her. She takes a calming breath and sets her cup down on the dresser. Slipping under the covers, warm hands immediately circle her body, drawing her in close. 

Eve—

Eve woke to find the opposite side of the bed empty. She had faintly heard her lover open the door to their bedroom, becoming fully awake in the moments after. Eve pretended to be asleep when Villanelle made her way back into the room, tea clutched tight in a slightly shaking hand. She waited, giving the blonde what felt like enough time to calm her nerves before reaching out for her and calling her back to bed. 

This had been going on for weeks, no months. Eve would wake to find the woman she fell asleep with gone, only to make her way back by morning. In the beginning, Eve would lie awake until Villanelle returned to the room in the same clothes she wore to bed. After questioning it the blonde would tell her she couldn’t sleep so she went downstairs as to not wake her. Eve knew better than to push her, but would wake almost every time the other woman woke with a start and rolled out of bed.

Villanelle crawled back into bed and Eve immediately brought her closer, wanting to hold her like she thought she needed. They lay tangled together in silence for quite some time. Both thinking the other had gone back to sleep. 

Eve couldn’t shut her mind off. She knew something had been bothering Villanelle for quite some time. But she also knew the other woman had difficulty coming forward with her feelings, though she had gotten better. They married a little over three years ago, after the twelve were taken care of and Eve felt safe enough to settle down. Villanelle asked her before of course, not long after that night on the bridge, Eve only going through with the ceremony once the imminent threat on their lives gone, not wanting to endanger themselves by letting their guard down. But now Eve couldn’t help but wonder and worry that Villanelle was bored with the life they made together. Was that why she was so restless? 

Feeling a little more confident in the darkness of night, Eve reached up and lightly traced Villanelle’s cheek bone, eliciting a soft smile from the other woman.

“Are we okay?” Eve asked softly.

Villanelle looked at her through hooded eyes “Hmm. What do you mean?”

“You’re umm… you’re not bored of being here, with me? Are you?” Sensing the vulnerability in Eve’s voice, Villanelle pulled away just enough to look at Eve fully.

“No, of course not. Why would you think that?”

“You seem restless. And I know you haven’t been sleeping well. I just wondered if it was me or something I-“

“Eve, stop. I love you. There’s nowhere else I would rather be than with you.”

“I love you too” Eve answers softly, letting silence fill the space while she slips deeper into thought.

Eve isn’t sure if its curiosity or she isn’t quite convinced Villanelle was entirely truthful in her answer when she breaks the silence again.

“I know, Villanelle.”

She feels Villanelle tense beside her. But the blonde’s voice remains calm and steady when she answers, “What is it you know Eve?”

“I know about the nightmares. I know you wake in the middle of the night and pace the house. I know you slip back into bed exactly 30 minutes before my alarm goes off. I know this has been happening for a while now” She’s on a roll, not about to be derailed. Knowing she needs to get this out before she runs out of steam.

“Eve, I-“

“No its okay.” Eve says placing a hand on her lover’s chest to stop the explanation she was about to receive. “I don’t want you to explain anything to me until you’re ready. But I love you too much to stand aside and let whatever it is consume you. I won’t be upset if it’s not me you talk to, but I think sooner or later you need to talk to someone.”

“You think I should tell the therapist?”

Villanelle has been seeing a therapist since Carolyn made it one of the conditions for her to be hired at MI6. At first she was standoffish and didn’t give the man, Hugo (although she enjoys calling him by the wrong name every time she sees him just to get him flustered) more than simple answers. She would count down their time to the second and bolt as soon as the clock struck on the hour. Eventually, with some persuading from Eve, she began to open up and work through some of her thoughts with the therapist. She actually began to like him and his wit. He was a straight shooter and could be extremely blunt with her, a trait Villanelle valued. Hugo has actually helped her in becoming more open and understanding with Eve. He’s also managed to teach her more positive ways to cope with her anger. Vulnerability is a trait she has slowly become familiar with, although she really only fully welcomes it with Eve.

“If you want to. As much as I know you hate to admit it, Hugo has been pretty helpful. But I won’t force you to talk about it with anyone, including myself.”

“I know, I know.”

“Just please give it some thought. I’m worried about you Vil.”

“I’ll think about it.”


	2. Can't You See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walls come down -- Villanelle has word vomit in therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here goes an early update! I'm not sure if I'll be able to crank out multiple chapters every week but I'm excited to get this ball rolling
> 
> We're flopping perspective a few times in this one but it's what made the most sense to me. I'm looking forward to hearing what you guys think!

A couple weeks later

-VILLANELLE—

Villanelle wakes to the smell of coffee. She smiles softly and smooths her hand over the sheets where Eve had slept beside her, still warm. She stretches and moves to get out of bed. 

She makes her way toward the kitchen, expecting to find Eve there but stops when she hears the shower running. She makes her way down the hallway to find the bathroom door wide open- an invitation. Villanelle takes in the view and lets out a low whistle in appreciation of the woman showering before her.

Eve turns and smiles, beckoning her to join her with her finger. Villanelle quickly strips out of her oversized t-shirt and lacey underwear, stepping into the shower behind Eve. She wraps her arms around the shorter woman and whispers “good morning, love” low in her ear and lands a kiss on her neck. 

They take turns washing each other’s hair, slow and methodical. Content with just being in the same space. As the water starts to get cold Villanelle offers to make Eve coffee.

“But I already made a pot?”

“Baby, I love you but you can’t make a drinkable pot of coffee to save your life.” 

-EVE—

Eve finds Villanelle in the kitchen, wearing one of her favorite silk robes. She’s standing over the stove flipping pancakes onto a plate, dancing to some pop song Eve is sure no one has played since the 80s. She leans against the door frame and watches with a smile until the other woman senses her presence and turns around. 

Villanelle places a plate of chocolate chip pancakes and a cup of coffee down in front of her. She takes a sip and struggles to hold back a moan. How Villanelle always managed to make every single cup of coffee taste like the best cup of coffee she has ever had is beyond her. Hiding behind her mug she asks “So what’re your plans for today?”

It was Wednesday so Eve wondered if Villanelle was going to be at the office today. Both women still worked under Carolyn Martins, but Villanelle wasn’t always needed at the office. While Eve remained in her same position, Villanelle had multiple rolls. Sometimes working alongside Eve, sometimes working intelligence or translating. Carolyn had quickly discovered Villanelle could adapt and perform nearly any job she had given her, not that she was about to admit she was wrong initially. 

“I’m going to visit Konstantin and maybe shop a little. Carolyn said I wouldn’t be needed much today.”

“You’ve been visiting Konstantin quite a bit lately.” Eve says almost questioning but not wanting to pry. The blonde would explain when she was ready but it was beginning to be a little suspicious. 

“He gets lonely.” Villanelle said with a smile.

-VILLANELLE—

“Where did you tell her you were going?”

“I told her I was visiting Konstantin.” Villanelle replies, avoiding Hugo’s gaze.

“Why?”

“Do you speak in anything but questions, I mean seriously, Hurly?” Villanelle was growing irritated. She knows Hugo is trying to get under her skin. This is how they worked. They banter back and forth, Hugo boldly calls her out, she gets mad (He calls her on that too) and she leaves. But it worked. He was the 4th therapist she had been to since starting at MI6. The first three didn’t last over 20 minutes a piece. Villanelle wasn’t sure if it was because he treated her like an equal, instead of poking at her with a ten foot pole- like she would rip his head off like a vicious animal. Or the fact that she could never tell where their conversations would lead- he was unpredictable. 

“Can I be blunt with you, Villanelle?”

“You’ve never asked before, Tony, so I’m not sure telling you no is going to stop you now.”

“Hmm true. You have been coming here two to four times a week for the past three weeks, yes?”

“Was I here by myself or?” Hugo stares her down waiting for her to crack first. “Okay yes. Why are you asking me this? You already know the answer.”

“I have asked every time where you told Eve you were. And every single time you’ve said you told her you were seeing Konstantin. You and I, and honestly probably Eve too, know you like the old man but not that much. What gives?”

“What do you mean?” she fires back quickly, hoping to avoid the question.

“Jesus Christ, WHY HAVEN’T YOU TOLD HER?” Hugo shouts as he rubs his forehead, attempting to rid himself of the rapidly growing headache. They have been going at it for almost two hours. They’ve talked in detail about the dreams Villanelle keeps having, but have yet to get to the why, like always. By now he knows he has to be assertive and gain the upper hand if he wants an honest answer from Villanelle. It’s all in the game they play. And today she’s stayed glued to the couch longer than any of their meetings prior. He knows she has something more than just dreams she wants to talk through.

The blonde goes quiet and looks vulnerable under his gaze. But Hugo can recognize the tired look in her eyes that usually signifies walls coming down. Looking at her hands twisting in her lap she takes a deep breath and starts-

“I never understood why.” She says hesitating. 

“Why what Villanelle, spit it out.” It was harsh but it was what Hugo thought she needed to open up. He wasn’t wrong by the looks of what came next. 

“Why she left the mustache or why she never had the normal things people have when they are married. Why she never had children or if she wants them but thinks I am not suited to be a parent. Why she chased after me. Why she turned around on that stupid fucking bridge. Why she chose to leave her life behind. Why she didn’t leave when I told her about what I did to my mother.” The tears are silently streaming down her face by now, but she makes no move to wipe them away. 

The longer she talks the quieter and more broken her voice gets. But the word vomit just keeps coming. Hugo makes no move to acknowledge or stop her rant, at this point it’s almost like she is reflecting to herself rather than revealing everything to her therapist. Maybe these were his intentions all along. 

She continues “Why she said yes when I asked her to marry me, after everything I’ve done. I almost killed her and I walked away thinking I had. I never deserved to see her again after that. I think I am afraid I am losing her. She’s always right here but she feels so far away. Every single time I fall asleep I dream I lose her, only to wake and see her there. I don’t understand. I think I am afraid of what happens when I wake and she’s not there. I am afraid of what happens when she realizes I am still as broken as I was that night on the bridge. When she sees I am not getting better with this.” She gestures around the room as to signify the this being therapy. 

The room goes quiet for several minutes. Villanelle hasn’t looked away from her hands the entire time, all the usual confidence the woman carries nowhere in sight. When she finally looks up she sees Hugo still sitting across from her. He slides a box of tissues across the table between them. In the past three weeks this is the most she has said in any of their meetings. He looks like he’s waiting for her to continue. She raises her head waiting for a snarky reply, feeling embarrassed for all of the information she just revealed. What she doesn’t expect is for Hugo to respond how he does. 

“So ask. If you want to know just bloody ask. Take the time to ask what you’ve always wanted to know and stop doing this. Can’t you see? You tiptoe around her like she didn’t choose you, like she doesn’t continue to choose you. I think it’s time you ditch the faux arrogance you carry like a shield and talk to your wife. She loves you but I think you have lost sight of that. The Eve I know would never leave you for voicing your concerns. Go home and have an honest conversation without trying to seduce her or trying to deflect everything she says or asks you that you don’t like. And for the love of god stop lying to her about where you are and tell her you’re coming to therapy.”

With that he stands and walks out of the room. Leaving Villanelle alone to collect herself and her things. She takes her time, thinking about how the conversation just unfolded. She knew everything he said was right. Fucking Hugo. She stands and walks out of the office, making her way to the bathroom just down the hall. 

She doesn’t cross paths with anyone on the way, thankfully. She stands at the sink, splashes water on her face and fixes her makeup, effectively erasing all signs she had been crying only ten minutes ago. Villanelle emerges from the bathroom and glances at a clock as she walks down the hallway. Eve’s on lunch. She makes her way to another part of the building to find Eve.

Villanelle catches sight Eve right as the brunette is leaving the conference room with Carolyn and Elena. She could recognize that hair anywhere. Villanelle lengthens her stride to catch up before they hit the elevators. She grabs Eve’s hand and they both come to a stop.

“Hey baby, how’s your day?” Villanelle starts.

“Wha- I didn’t expect to see you here today. Everything okay?” Eve looks at her with a small smile and confusion in her eyes.

“I wanted to surprise you. Are you busy?”

“I was just headed to lunch with Elena and Carolyn to discuss this case. We might have to go to Italy for a few days.”

“Oh.” Villanelle says looking down at their hands still clasped together.

“Hey, what’s wrong? How’s Konstantin?” Eve asks as she places a hand on Villanelle’s cheek, drawing her eyes back up. But Villanelle still does everything in her ability not to look Eve in the eyes. 

“Eve, I umm. I- I wasn’t with Konstantin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone who left a comment or kudos on the first chapter! Y'all are v kind and it is much appreciated :)


	3. Long Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eve and Villanelle air out some things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a couple of different versions to this chapter and still am not completely satisfied, but onwards and upwards I suppose. 
> 
> also I've been naming the chapters after songs that kind of have the same feel. this one is matchbox 20's long day
> 
> as always thank you for reading! I hope I haven't lost too many of you yet- I'm new at this but I'm getting there I promise.... did I mention this was a slow burn

-EVE—

Confusion. Guilt. Anger. Sadness. 

Each passing over Eve the seconds following Villanelle’s confession. She was confused and upset her lover had been lying to her. Guilty Villanelle didn’t want to or feel comfortable enough to tell her the truth. Angry she was lied to. And sad at the thought the love of her life didn’t want her anymore. She didn’t know which hurt the most. 

She could see the look on Villanelle’s face. The insecurity that rarely showed itself to the public eye. She could tell the blonde was afraid of her reaction would be. Was that why she did this here? Surrounded by their colleagues to make sure Eve didn’t react without thinking. Eve dropped her hand.

“I don’t understand. Wha- what do you mean you weren’t with Konstantin. I thought we-” she stops short. **I thought we agreed to be honest with each other. I thought we agreed we wouldn’t go sneaking off without telling the other in case anything happened, in case one of us didn’t make it home. I thought we agreed we only wanted each other.** All things Eve wanted to say but couldn’t. Looking into Villanelle’s eyes she can tell the blonde had previously been crying. She hid it well, Eve knew better. She’s been reading those hazel eyes for years. 

Villanelle reached to tuck a curl behind Eve’s ear that had fallen down into her face. The smaller woman flinched away before she had the chance. They stood in the middle of the hall, Eve seeing a wounded and broken expression before her. Villanelle seeing the confusion, hurt and sadness etched on Eve’s face. 

“Vil, are you-” Eve is interrupted by Carolyn shouting from the elevator.

“Let’s go Eve, we have a terrible amount to discuss and frankly, I’m starved.” Villanelle glances towards Carolyn to see and irritated look and her foot holding the elevator open for Eve. The other passengers glancing at their watches or shifting their weight. 

Before Eve can move any further away from Villanelle, the blonde pulls her in for a hug. Eve tenses under her grip and doesn’t move to hug her back. 

“Eve, please do not be upset with me. I will explain everything at home. I am doing my best but this is not a conversation I would like to have here. I am going to make dinner and we will talk. Please do not worry, I love you okay?” Villanelle whispers in her ear and releases her from her hold. Before Eve can say anything the blonde is walking back the way she came. She stands there wounded until Elena drags her back to reality and into the waiting elevator. 

Eve mechanically made her way out the building and to the restaurant with Carolyn and Elena. Throughout the entire meeting Eve’s mind was on Villanelle. She wasn’t even pretending to pay attention to the conversation anymore. She couldn’t shake the thought of Villanelle seeing someone else. Calling them the same names she called her. Treating someone else the way she did Eve. It make the brunette sick to her stomach. 

A nudge against her side drew her back to reality. “You don’t look so well babe. Why don’t you go ahead home and I can fill you in on this later.” Said Elena with a look of worry etched on her face.

“Yeah, thanks.” Mumbled Eve as she excused herself from the table. 

Eve’s nerves were shot by the time she made it to her front door. She stopped on her way home at the corner store, buying the cheapest wine because she knew Villanelle would hate it. And promptly drank the entire bottle by the time she made it home. She was drunk and had moved past hurt and on to angry. She wanted to give Villanelle a piece of her mind, and most importantly, she wanted to know why. 

-VILLANELLE—

Villanelle knew for a fact that was not at all how she wanted to start this conversation. She wanted time to explain. Time to ask questions, to let Eve ask questions. Hugo was right. She needed to stop acting like Eve didn’t choose her and choose Eve for once. But she was fucking terrified. Eve suggested she go to therapy, even though she had been going for almost a week and a half before. She was afraid what Eve would say if therapy did not work. 

It hurt to see Eve react like she did when she told her she wasn’t with Konstantin. Villanelle knew she shouldn’t have lied about it but she was so god damn petrified

She’s been open with Eve about things in the past, but this wasn’t a vulnerability Villanelle was familiar with. Yes she’d been to therapy in the past, but always because it was required. She never went on her own accord until these past three weeks, and she had hit it hard, desperate for change. Desperate not to lose Eve like she has in her dreams. 

Villanelle hoped what she said to Eve smoothed things over and the brunette wouldn’t be upset when she arrived home. 

She made spaghetti and bought Eve’s favorite wine, even though it was honestly shit wine and she didn’t understand what Eve liked about it so much. She set the table with fresh flowers and candles. The blonde hoped all of this would help Eve see that she really was trying to be better, for her. 

Villanelle was standing in the kitchen when she heard keys drop at the front door. She heard them sliding into the lock and the door slamming hard a few moments later. She sat down her glass of wine (not the cheap shit) and made her way to the front of the house. 

The smell of alcohol hit her as she rounded the corner, then something else hit her shoulder hard. Before she registered what it was Eve had already made her way into the kitchen. Did she just get shoulder checked? This was going to be much harder than she thought.

Villanelle walked slowly back into the kitchen to face her wife.

“Eve, I-”

“No, you know what Villanelle? It my turn to talk.” Eve said stunning Villanelle into silence. “You don’t get to stop by work and drop a bomb like that. We agreed to be honest, no matter what. But to come by and just practically announce you’re cheating on me? What the fuck Villanelle. 

“Eve, what- how could you think-”

“If you didn’t want me anymore you should have just fucking said. It would’ve killed me but a lot less than this. What were you bored? Am I not good enough for you?”

Eve looks at Villanelle with tears in her eyes, pleading for honesty. Signaling it’s her turn to speak.

“Are you done, Eve? Say it with your chest, you’ll feel better once the weight is gone.” Villanelle says softly. Villanelle knows she’s got it wrong, that she’s unintentionally led Eve down a path of doubt. But she knows the brunette needs to air out her thoughts before she starts. She’s learned it’ll just come up again later if she doesn’t. 

Eve just looks at her and shifts her weight uncomfortably. Fiddling with her hands like she’s deciding if she wants to bolt. “Hmm?” Villanelle questions.

“I just want you to be honest.” Eve replies. She’s starting to sober up with the conversation. 

“When I told you I love you this afternoon I meant it. When I woke this morning and held you in the shower I couldn’t help but think there was no place I would rather be. No one I would rather be with. Nothing has changed since then. The way I feel about you is the same, so forgive me if I don’t quite understand how you think I could be with someone else.” Eve starts to interrupt but the blonde puts a hand up to stop her. “No Eve, you had your turn. I know I went about this wrong. And I know it’s hurt you. It’s not how I wanted to do things. I wanted to be honest with you today, he said it was important.” She says softly

Villanelle stops and shakes her head, deciding if it’s worth continuing. The hurt on Eve’s features encourages her to keep going. But she avoids eye contact, choosing to look at her own hands.

“I’ve been seeing Hugo.” She sees a look of confusion on Eve’s face, like she’s forgotten who she’s talking about. “Therapy, Eve. I’ve scheduled appointments for myself multiple times a week, I am trying my best to be better for you.” She takes a deep breath- honesty Hugo said, be honest.

“I have been afraid to tell you because I didn’t want you to get your hopes up that I would get better. When you suggested I go I had already been going on my own a couple times a week. I was scared to tell you and that made me think it wasn’t helping.” There are tears streaming down her face and her heart is flying. She’s vulnerable and running out of steam, refusing to look at the brunette that could easily break her. 

“I didn’t want to disappoint you and I didn’t want you to leave me if I couldn’t get better, if this is all I can be. You’re it for me Eve. I don’t want anyone else. So no I haven’t been visiting Konstantin. But I haven’t been cheating on you either. I’ve been holed up in Hugo’s disgusting office crying on that hideous fucking couch trying to work out how to keep you.” 

Villanelle stops when she feels Eve’s arms wrap around her tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for anyone that left a kudos or a comment - I see you I just have anxiety about replying lmao but your encouragement is greatly appreciated


End file.
